I don't have a lot of time (4 minutes, to be exact), but I want to take these few minutes to talk about how amazing God is. These last few years have been a perfect example of how God can take something broken and make it new. This summer has been no exception. He has put me at a new job among amazing coworkers, exposing me to things that I love. This feeling of being exactly where I'm supposed to be is the most wonderful feeling I have ever experienced. I keep living in fear that this feeling will somehow go away, but I'm coming to realize something. This is just one of the many gifts that the Lord will continue to give me as long as I follow Him. When we are walking with Jesus, of course we would feel like we are on the right road. So let me ask you this. Do you feel that your life is exactly as it should be? Are you heading in the right direction? If not, maybe you should ask God what it is you should be doing! There's no time to waste!

God teaches me a lot of things through my experiences, so I've learned to treat everything as a learning opportunity. Over the last couple of weeks/months, I've realized that He can use almost anything to get through to me. The particular lesson we are working on now has to do with building a house. Yep, a house. When I think of a house, I imagine a secure place in which I am surrounded my the people I love. In this house, I am free to do all the things that make me happy and nothing can ever harm me. What I don't consider is the foundation of this house. All the security in the world could be given to me by my friends and hobbies, but all of that could come crashing down at any time if the floor of my house crumbles. The house is only as strong as the foundation that it's built on. I've lived life thinking that if I cling to one person or one idea then I'll be ok. So far, that hasn't worked. People come and go, ideas change, and plans don't work out. In the past, my house (or my life) was not built on a strong foundation. Instead of building my life around God's word, I built my life around society. I thought I was in a secure environment until my world would fall apart, leaving me homeless, scrambling to pick up any leftover pieces. Now I have a new house where the old one stood. This house is different, because God is helping me build it as I go along. We started with a foundation. We invested a lot of time into it's construction, and now I'm finally ready to put up the walls. Slowly I am starting to feel secure on a foundation that is NOT made of worldly possessions or ideas. I know that no matter how strong the storm, my house will not crumble. People will still come and go, ideas will still change, and plans will still fall through, but one thing is different. My home, my security, will remain. Knowing that God is holding my world in the palm of his mighty hand is all the peace I will ever need. Because I know I can't fail, I am willing to try almost anything. I am finally staring the world in the face, and it's the greatest feeling I've ever experienced.

"Because of God's grace to me, I have laid the foundation like an expert builder. Now others are building on it. But whoever is building on this foundation must be very careful. For no one can lay any foundation other than the one we already have--Jesus Christ." 1 Corinthians 3:10-11

I know it's been a while, but I'm always out of my element when I go home for breaks. I know they should be relaxing times, but they are often full of confusion and stress!! I think I've come to that point in my life when I am independent from all of my old ways. I have built a life up here in Clemson, and it's really strange that I have to take a break from that as well as my schoolwork. Anyway, I'm back in my comfort zone and getting back into that familiar routine! I want to start off by saying that I have never been so content. It's as if I were a runaway train for so many years and now I have finally found my way back onto the tracks. It's the best feeling to know where I'm going and how I'm going to get there. Sure, there may be a few bumps along the way, but I am looking forward to the scenic view and my arrival at the destination. I just have this feeling that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and that is something I have felt only once or twice in my lifetime. It's wonderful! I have tried to change some things with the new year, and they have been working so far. First of all, I want to be healthy. I have been going to the gym every other day and watching what I eat. Sure, I want to lose weight, but it's more than that. I don't want 20 more years to go by and the doctor to tell me that I should have done something. In addition to my body, I also want to work on my soul. I want to be a person that people look up to and respect. I know I'm not a horrible person right now, but there is always room for improvement, and I'm going to fill it. My only desire right now is to stay on this track.

Expectations are my biggest enemies lately. They are double-edged swords that will cut you no matter which direction they hit you from. If you have expectations, they don't get met. If someone has them for you, you fail to meet them. Either way, you are left feeling disappointed, hurt, pressured, etc. All of my disappointments have risen from failed expectations. You expect someone to be there for you and they're not. You are anticipating a certain response from someone only to receive another. You look forward to a big day that doesn't quite turn out how you wanted it. If we didn't have expectations in the first place, there would be no disappointment. We would simply take things as they come and accept things for what they are. Why can't we all see life that way? It would be so much easier. It used to be that I struggled with my expectations of others, but I have recently learned to control them. Now I struggle from others' expectations of me. I am only one person. I go to school 2 1/2 hours from both homes, I attend classes and study all day, I work, and when I come home that's another story. I have 2-3 days to see both sets of parents, several friends, and have some sort of "break" by myself. Well, that never happens. I'm not even sure what a "break" or a "vacation" feels like anymore. I spend my time "off" traveling around Irmo, Columbia, Lexington, etc. just to satisfy expectations. What I've come to realize, however, is that none of them ever really get satisfied. They still exist no matter what I try to do, and I can never meet them. That puts such a tremendous amount of pressure on me that I feel I may explode with guilt. When will it just stop? When will they just realize that I am only a college student trying to juggle way too many things at once? It's only a matter of time until I drop everything and am left empty-handed. Then they'll have to pick themselves up off the floor, because I'll be too exhausted to care anymore.

When you are driving down the highway at 80 mph, it is almost impossible to focus on the scenery that is speeding past your window. However, when you park the car on the shoulder for a while, you are finally able to take a look at what's around you. There is time to reflect on where you've come from, and also get a better grasp on where you are going. These past four days have been like that for me. My life is so fast-paced that I never get a chance to just sit. I'm either studying, working, traveling, entertaining, catching up, or sleeping. It isn't until I got o sleep at night that I can finally take a breath, only to fill the next day's schedule before it even begins again. Well, because of my wisdom teeth surgery I have finally been forced to slow down. Just like when you pull your car over on a highway, I have finally been able to take a look at where I am. Here are a few things that I have realized:

• I am a great student. In high school, I took everything for granted. I got pretty decent grades, but I only did as much as was necessary to keep everything afloat. Now that I'm in college, however, I take school very seriously. I study very hard, and I love what I am studying. I made a 3.8 this semester, and that was all because of MY work. For once, I'm genuinely proud of myself and where I am going.

• I am going to be a nurse. Naturally, this is something I should have realized when I chose "nursing" as my major. However, it is really hitting me now that I am about to start clinicals. I don't think I've ever been so excited about anything in my life. I get to meet new people every day. Each time that I go to work, I will have a chance to change someone's life. That is amazing to me! You never know how much of an impact you can have on someone. People who are in hospitals are at the most vulnerable points in their lives, meaning I will have a lot of responsibility. I just can't wait!
  

• Jesus really has given me a new life. I have been reading my bible a lot more now that I have some more time. It's amazing what God will say to you when you actually take the time to listen. On Sunday, Perry talked about the woman who touched Jesus' cloak and was healed. He said that is every Christian's story once he or she is saved. I started thinking about my story, and it takes my breath away. I was completely helpless. I was lost, alone, and spiraling toward self-destruction. I can't even describe how messed up I was. Then Jesus took my hand and led me home. He didn't just change a few things. He changed EVERYTHING. I can honestly say that I am a brand new person with a brand new heart and brand new dreams!
  

Even though I am sitting here on the couch with several drugs in my system and cheeks that look like bowling balls, I feel so refreshed. It is wonderful to gain such a new perspective on life. As soon as I get better, I am going to put this new attitude to use! I'm going to live a life that is so full of love, passion, and God that people will have no choice but to seek Him!!!

I feel like I'm on a small boat in the middle of the ocean and there is no land in sight. I'm tired, uncomfortable, and the waves are crashing overboard. Every now and then, the waters are calm, and I feel like I can simply drift along in peace. There are other times, however, when I just want to find a strip of land. I have come to notice that stability is very important. Without it, you can topple over. So where do you find it if there is none to be found? I'm climbing a ladder with missing rungs, and all I can do is reach out and hope that I grab hold of something, anything steady.

For those of you who don't know. the current series at Newspring is called "Don't get married until..." and it is targeted toward singles. When I went into this series, I figured it would give me some tips regarding what types of guys to look for and how to know when he's the right one. What I didn't anticipate was the fact that it would change me. Yesterday was targeted specifically toward single women, and let's just say God hit the bulls-eye. I went into that service thinking "Well, I'm a Godly woman. I don't really need to change anything major, so I hope some of these other women really hear this message." I thought, as long as I am not sleeping around and dressing like I work on a street corner, I am already where I need to be. However, Perry (and God) made me realize that there are still a few things I need to work on. For one, I want to stop talking about people behind their backs. Even if the conversation seems harmless to me, it may not be harmless to others. If I wouldn't say it to the person's face, why should I say it to someone else? That is a very unattractive quality that females tend to possess. I am sincerely going to try to stop. Hearing Perry talk about the things guys should look for in a woman made me want to focus more on meeting those requirements. I want everything I do to be an overflow of God's love. I want to seek God so deeply and passionately that when He does bring me to the man I'm supposed to be with, I'll know. Like Perry said, if you read 1 Corinthians 13 and replace "love" with your name, it should make sense. That is my goal. I want to love as deeply as God does, and in order to do that, I must be the woman God wants me to be.

1 Corinthians 13
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserveres.

Manipulation. It's been a favorite tool of mine for quite some time, and I have just recently realized that it's one I can keep in the shed rather than carrying it around with me. Over the last couple of years I have learned to use it in all sorts of situations, even when I would have been better of just letting things happen on their own. It's not something I even realized until now. When you are in a situation lacking security, your first instinct is to adapt somehow. You have to find some way to make yourself safe. My method of adaptation was an unusual one. I have been trying so hard to make my life safe and secure that I literally try to make things happen so my future will be a certain way. Living like that was so frustrating, though. Who was I to think I could make the entire world work how I wanted it to? Don't get me wrong...I got REALLY good at manipulating my life. I did things that I am too embarrassed to admit in order to get people around me to do what I wanted them to. In the long run, though, I was left disappointed. Things happened that were out of my control, people had their own free will that didn't follow my "plan", expectations weren't met, and I was left in an even more insecure place than I was trying to avoid. About a year ago, I made a decision to stop. I wanted to just end everything that I was doing up to that point. I wasn't happy, I was spiraling, and the only option left was to start over. I decided from that from that point on, God was in charge of my life. After all, He knows what's best for em better than I do. If it's security that I needed, why not get it through Him? And you know what? My plan worked. I was sitting in a friend's living room watching the game a couple of days ago, and it all just hit me. When I stopped trying to put the pieces of my life together the way I wanted to, they fell into the right places all on their own. And it turns out that God's puzzle paints a prettier picture than mine would have. I just realized how incredibly pointless it is to try to manipulate, because nothing is ever really in my hands to begin with. Handing over my puzzle pieces to God was the best decision I've ever made.

I traveled back in time today, and it was an interesting experience. I've driven through Irmo numerous times, but today felt different. It was almost the feeling I would imagine you'd get right before you die...like your whole life is flashing before you in slow motion and all you can do is watch and wait. You can't change anything, you can't go back, you can just watch. Watch and hope that what lies up ahead is better than what you're leaving behind. First I pulled out of the Crestmont, where I spent one of the best years of my life. It was shortly after my parents' divorce and I lived there with my dad until I left for college. It was where I spent the last few months of my childhood. As I turned onto Harbison, I began my journey across the timeline of the last couple of years. I passed the mall, where I've spent several weekends with several different people looking for several different things. Then I passed Ruby Tuesday. It was there that I met some of the most amazing people I will ever know. The years that I spent working there defined my life during that time. I came to consider those people my family. I passed Chick-fil-a, where I once confessed my attraction to an ex. I passed Ale House, Monterrey, Texas Roadhouse...just a few of the places where my friends and I hung out. It seemed that each building and each street had a story to go along with it. A story that I could reach out for, but could not quite grasp. Not only was this because those days are in the past, but the characters in the story are no longer living. Sure, the actors and actresses are still among us, but as different people completely. Just as Katherine Heigl has almost no true resemblance to Izzie Stephens, I have almost no resemblance to that girl I saw in the windows of all those buildings. It is strange how years of my life can seem so intangible just a year or so later. Even though I can't and don't ever want to go back to those days, they are still fond memories that I will hang onto until it really is time to move onto eternity. For if you're not changing, you're not learning; and if you're not learning, you're not growing. I am not discomforted by the amount of change. I am comforted because that change has allowed me to grow.

So I pretty much feel like I inhaled a small kitten through my nostrils. I spend most of my time in Clemson, so when I come home my body doesn't know what to do with all the cat hair. Naturally, the most logical response is to flood my sinuses. Awesome. Anyway, I'm just sitting here in my dad and Carol's living room trying to do homework (or trying not to do it). It's so strange when I come home on the weekends. It's like Columbia and Clemson are two separate worlds and I live two separate lives in each of them. Trying to adapt to this new world is always a challenge for me. It's almost like wearing a disguise. I don't know how to act, and I'm worried that one small mistake can reveal my true identity. I suppose that's why I always tend to clam up when I'm at home. I have changed so tremendously at Clemson that I'm worried my own parents and friends won't recognize (or even accept) the new Morgan. It's a strange feeling for your family not to understand you. That's the thing about being reborn again in Christ. Everything changes. I literally feel like the old Morgan is dead and gone, replaced by a brand-new one. I like this one...it's a lot more comfortable. I'm just worried no one else will.

I was very disappointed in myself today. I have only been a FUSE volunteer for a couple of weeks and I already skipped a day. In my defense, I had absolutely no way of getting there. I had no money and no gas. That sort of put a damper on my ability. On the other hand, I still don't feel right about not going. I feel like I let God and myself down. I've been feeling like that a lot lately. Like I've let God down. I can feel Him trying to trust me with more things, but I just don't trust myself with them. Maybe that comes from a lifetime of feeling like I am not good enough, but it could also come from knowing I may fail. That's why I don't like the unknown. Fear of failure. I'd much rather do things that I know I can do, rather than try something without knowing what to expect. I hate being out of my comfort zone. It's like trying to walk around all day with your shoes on the wrong feet. You can still take each step, but it's always a struggle and you never know when you might trip or develop a pretty nasty blister. Even so, those shoes can still get you where you need to go. I feel like God has given me a pair of shoes that I have never worn before. They don't fit very well, but I can squeeze into them if I try. I know I need to walk around in them and break them in, but the process is so uncomfortable. I just need to do it. I'm sure Jesus wasn't comfortable with his fate, but He knew it had to be done. I have to realize that God wants me to have purpose, not comfort. So here's where I have to do something about it. I have to suck up the blisters, stick on a band-aid, and keep walking.

I am in a very vulnerable place in my life right now. I have $12 in my bank account, and I owe $675 on my credit card. On top of that, I feel like most of my relationships are on uneven ground, and at any time an earthquake will come along and break it to pieces. It is so easy to lose my direction when everything is falling down around me that I forget about the map in my pocket. I need to remind myself to pull out this map when I'm feeling lost, because it leads to the only safe direction: God. Even when things seem like they are impossible to handle, I still manage to get through them. I forget that God is everything that I need and anything else is just extra. When I am stripped of all my earthly security, I am finally forced to find strength in the security that only God can provide. It is so much easier said than done, and that is what I am being challenged with at the moment. Why is it that I find it so hard to completely trust God when He is the only one who will never let me down? And why do I keep running to the people who will let me down? It is such a hard concept to grasp that God loves me. He REALLY loves me. This means He forgives me, pursues me, carries me, and guides me. He shows me every day that I can trust Him, so I need to do just that. I need to surrender everything to Him so that when I do get lost, all I have to turn to is His map.

I just watched about four hours of desperate housewives. I know that doesn't sound very productive, but I do my best reflective thinking during and after a good episode. I tend to get addicted to all sorts of tv shows (grey's anatomy, the o.c., dawson's creek, desperate housewives). I started to ask myself why this happens. What is so appealing about these fictional characters and the lives that they lead? Nothing ever works out anyway. You know what I decided, though? Even though their lives are ever-changing, unpredictable, and sometimes hopeless, the way that the lives of the characters intertwine always touches me. These people love each other, despite all of the crazy things that happen to them. I find myself envying them. I want the kind of love that I see on the screen. That's when I realized that I have it. It's just so much harder to recognize when it is your own life. If I could watch my life through a tv screen, not only would I be disturbed by some of the things I've seen. But even more so, I would be so deeply touched by the love that has come in and out of my life. I'm reflecting on all of the happiest moments of my life. Do you know what they all have in common? They were filled with some kind of love. Giving it to a friend, witnessing it between others, feeling it from God, and even experiencing it for the first time. People have tried to define love since the beginning of time, and I think it is really simple. Love is God's gift to us. When we experience love, we are allowed just a small glimpse of Him. A concept as wonderful as love can be considered no less than divine. That is why I cannot get enough of it. I thrive off of fictional shows because of the love that radiates from the tv screen.

I realize that I haven't written a blog in quite some time, but I will try to change that. Anyway, I am so excited about tonight. I am going to Newspring to observe the middle school youth ministry. I am hoping to become a volunteer. While I am very nervous, I am also very excited. I've wanted to volunteer at church for a long time, but I never pushed myself to get it started. However, I recently decided that this is something that I really want to do. I can't continue to keep my relationship with Jesus a private matter. No matter how much it takes me out of my comfort zone, I need to share His love and my experience with as many people as possible. You never know whose life could change because of one person's testimony. I have never done anything like this before, but this seems to be a theme in my life right now. God is throwing so many opportunities my way, and I don't want to let him down. In one of the services a while back, Perry said that we cannot ignore God's voice when He tells us to do something. I never really understood this until recently. I have been called to do so many different things that I have never even dreamed of doing, and I am scared to death. I know I can do these things, however, because God will provide the way. Think of the scariest, most uncomfortable thing that you've ever had to do. Even if it did not work out quite like you'd planned, it still worked out, didn't it? I believe that as long as I take the steps that God wants me to take, he will continue to provide me with the strength to climb them. Is there something that you've been wanting to do but are too scared? Perhaps you should trust God and take that step. You never know what can happen.

Why do we turn away from God? Once we know him and love him, what causes us to stray again? My relationship with Him is fairly new, but I already have enough experience with turning away to do some further investigating. I notice that I go through phases. At one point, I'll be deeply in love with Christ, and my eyes will be on only Him. Then it seems like I turn away almost instantly. I go through a few weeks feeling lost and lonely before I finally turn back to Him again. Why does this happen?

I think about my human relationships. For instance, my stepmom and I were close from the very beginning. We were best friends, and I called her multiple times daily. Once she and my dad got married, things changed a bit. I wasn't sure of my place in her home since it was a new experience for me. I found myself doing things that hurt her feelings, and I wasn't sure what to do about it. I felt like I was constantly screwing things up. Instead of working things out with her, I turned away from her. Does this sound familiar?

We do the same thing to God.

We are human, therefore we make mistakes. We can have the best relationship with God and still do things that he doesn't approve of. When I mess up, I feel so ashamed. I feel like I've finally messed up so many times that He is just going to give up on me. Instead of facing the problem, I turn away. I try to work things out on my own. It doesn't work that way, though. When we make mistakes and do things that God doesn't want us to do, we can't go on like nothing happened. That's why we must repent. I never really understood that until now. I always figured that if our sins are already paid for, why should we have to repent every time it happens? We have to be honest with God in order to have a functional relationship with Him. You have to trust that He will forgive you. You can't turn away, because it will only make things worse.

Alright, I have a lot of thoughts tonight so just go with it for a while. I've come to two realizations today, and I would like to share them with everyone.

Over the past few weeks, I have been angry. For those of you who know me, you also know that I don't ever get angry. I was in my kitchen tonight eating a slice of pizza and reflecting on the last few days. It was then that I realized I have not been a pleasant person. I go to work angry, I leave angry, and I end up snapping at everyone, blaming the management for my bad mood. It was then that I decided that my anger hasn't been at Ruby Tuesday or at the group that left me $4 in change. It is just the next stage. You see, I decided that coping is done in the following stages:

Coping Stage #1: Self-pity
After something traumatic happens, the first reaction is to cry. This is usually because a) someone was wronged, or b) someone has wronged us. No matter what the situation is, we feel some sort of pity for ourselves or for someone else. We come up with scenarios in our heads about what could have been done to prevent it. "What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? How could this happen to me? I can't believe I did that!" This stage can last anywhere from 1-1,000 days.

Coping Stage #2: Anger
Here is the fun stage. Once you get past the fact that whatever happened was never your fault, nor was it done to you personally, you get angry. Why this happens, I haven't figured out yet. Perhaps it's because you realize it is something you couldn't control. If it wasn't your fault, it has to be someone's fault. Then you pick someone to blame. You become angry, wondering how they could have done what they did. You begin to brainstorm all the ways that this person has wronged you. This stage is more dangerous than the first, so beware. It can last a lifetime.

I have decided that it is ok to go through these stages, as long as you get through them. It's when you linger in one stage too long that you start to change your life. Sooner or later you'll become someone that you don't like or recognize. I know, because I was stuck in the first stage for years. I've finally moved out of that stage and into the second one. I'm hoping that I can move through it quickly, because I don't like anger. It's pretty much my least favorite emotion.

I'm so pumped, because Saturday is the Easter service at Newspring! I'm hoping God will really pound on the hearts of my mom and Bruce. I haven't been to an Easter service in a really long time, so I'm really excited myself. Perry said it's going to be straight Gospel and he plans on insulting the hell out of people- literally! It's a huge deal for me that two people I love are coming with me this time. Not only do I want them to witness what I witness on a daily basis, but I also want them to understand what has changed my life so incredibly. I truly do feel like a new person, because I am. For so long, I felt like I had a cloud over my head. Every time I tried to take a breath, I couldn't get enough air. The little air that I did get was poisoned with doubt, shame, and guilt. I can finally breathe again. Now that I can feel this change inside of me and notice the change when I look in the mirror, I want to focus on showing others this change. I want them to know that they can experience it, too.

I realize that this is my third blog today, but I have a lot of thoughts today and can't seem to express them enough through one or two blogs! I've just been in the best mood ever today and for the last couple of days. I mentioned previously that for the last several years I've been going in circles. I pushed myself through problem after problem, but never really got anywhere. It was as if I were stuck in a maze that had no way out. Just when I thought one path looked promising, it led me to yet another dead end. So many times I was tempted to give up, allowing the hedges to grow inward and surround me. When this happened, Jesus took my hand and led me down a new path. The last path we took was the longest of them all. There were so many dead ends and wrong turns. Finally, however, he has led me out of the maze. I can feel the sunlight on my skin and the freedom in my veins. I am no longer confused, no longer desperate for the help of everyone around me. I realize now that with Jesus by my side, I have everything I could ever need. You see, this maze did something to me. There were mirrors along the way. Mirrors that distorted my image and made me believe it was unattractive. There were voices in the shadows telling me that I would never make it out, that I was on my own and no one would ever come to rescue me. With each step that I took, I grew more weary. Until now, that is. I thought that because I was so stuck I was hopeless and fragile. Now I see that I grew stronger with each voice I drowned out, with each mirror I turned away from. I am 100 times stronger than I was when I entered. I looked at myself today in a real mirror. It was as if this mirror allowed me to see not only my outward appearance, but deep into my soul as well. I saw someone who was beautiful because she was sculpted by the hands of God. I saw someone who has been through so much, but has covered the bruises to appear untouched. Her soul was so alive. I don't know what triggered this new freedom that has washed over me. I don't even know if I'll still feel this way in the morning. All I know is that whatever maze I was stuck in over the last several years, Jesus has finally led me out of it.

I'm loving this song, because it applies to a couple of areas in my life. I haven't allowed myself to get close to many people over the last few years in fear of losing them. I've closed myself off in fear of being hurt. I also heard this song in reference to Jesus. I've been closed off to Him for years, thinking that I could make it without Him. After realizing that everything I have is His, my heart is open. Because I am finally opening up my heart to Christ, it will now be open to love as well.

Keith Urban "My Heart is Open"
I thought I was doing alright being alone
I swore I'd never let somebody get close again
I was never gonna let my guard down, not for anyone
But there's a light in your eyes and it's got me moving in
And tonight these walls are all coming down
And my heart is open
I'm letting you in
Cause you give me a reason and the faith I've been needing to start again
And your love is healing
I'm finally breathing
I've been waiting so long hoping for this moment
My heart is open
These days it seems like everybody's just walking away
Like there's no forever and love is just a game
But don't you know you can believe me when I say that I'm your man
My heart is open
I'm letting you in baby
Cause you give me a reason and the faith I've been needing to start again
And your love is healing
I'm finally breathing
I've been waiting so long hoping for this moment
My heart is open
I can't wait anymore, no no
Because I've got nothing left to prove
And I've got so much left to use
That's why I'm tearing out the walls and baby I'm kicking down the doors
And your love is healing
Baby, I'm finally breathing
I can hear you calling, I'm ready to fall in love again
My heart is open

I was reading Perry's blog today, and it absolutely rocked my world. Some of the things he said touched my heart so deeply that I began to cry. What God is doing through him has changed my life for eternity. One of the blogs I was reading had to do with his little girl Charisse. She was afraid to go into the snow and every time he placed her in it, she would hold up her arms and ask him to carry her. Finally, he realized that in order to help her overcome her fears, he had to place her in the snow and force her to come to him through the snow. Once I realized the point he was trying to make, I started to cry. I realized that this is exactly what God has done with me throughout my entire life. When I am scared or uncomfortable, he deliberately places me in situations that force me to come face to face with those fears. Until I can push through them, he is going to continue to put me in those types of situations. It makes sense. That is why these last several years of my life I've felt like I'm going in circles. When I come out of a problem, I go straight back into another one of the same nature. Perhaps God is going to place me in these situations so that I can learn how to handle them and overcome my fears.