Manipulation. It's been a favorite tool of mine for quite some time, and I have just recently realized that it's one I can keep in the shed rather than carrying it around with me. Over the last couple of years I have learned to use it in all sorts of situations, even when I would have been better of just letting things happen on their own. It's not something I even realized until now. When you are in a situation lacking security, your first instinct is to adapt somehow. You have to find some way to make yourself safe. My method of adaptation was an unusual one. I have been trying so hard to make my life safe and secure that I literally try to make things happen so my future will be a certain way. Living like that was so frustrating, though. Who was I to think I could make the entire world work how I wanted it to? Don't get me wrong...I got REALLY good at manipulating my life. I did things that I am too embarrassed to admit in order to get people around me to do what I wanted them to. In the long run, though, I was left disappointed. Things happened that were out of my control, people had their own free will that didn't follow my "plan", expectations weren't met, and I was left in an even more insecure place than I was trying to avoid. About a year ago, I made a decision to stop. I wanted to just end everything that I was doing up to that point. I wasn't happy, I was spiraling, and the only option left was to start over. I decided from that from that point on, God was in charge of my life. After all, He knows what's best for em better than I do. If it's security that I needed, why not get it through Him? And you know what? My plan worked. I was sitting in a friend's living room watching the game a couple of days ago, and it all just hit me. When I stopped trying to put the pieces of my life together the way I wanted to, they fell into the right places all on their own. And it turns out that God's puzzle paints a prettier picture than mine would have. I just realized how incredibly pointless it is to try to manipulate, because nothing is ever really in my hands to begin with. Handing over my puzzle pieces to God was the best decision I've ever made.