I was debating on whether or not to write a blog tonight because I'm in a strange mood. I can't figure out what I'm feeling right now. It's one of those bitter-sweet feelings and I don't know if I can shake it. Like I said in my last entry, I just pulled myself out of a really deep hole. While I was in that hole, I tore away at the walls with my fingernails in attempt to get out. I pulled others into it with me in hopes that they could lift me up. I made such a commotion in my desparation and exposed myself to everyone around me. Now that I'm out of the hole, I'm covered in dirt and surrounded by the people who helped me out. I feel like a traffic accident and everyone has stopped their cars to get out and look over the damage. I'm doing my best to lift up my hands and yell "I'm ok! It's going to be fine!", but after seeing the wreck, no one believes me. I know in my heart that things are different now. Better now. I want so badly for everyone to see that I've cleaned up the wreckage and cleansed the dirt from my skin and fingernails. Now that I'm out of this hole, can things progress normally? Will I be seen as the victim of this horrible accident or as a survivor? I suppose this is where the trust comes in. Trust. I felt my chest tighten as I typed the word. I used to think I had no problem trusting people. Afterall, I'm a very open person. I tell my life story to strangers. Is that really trusting them, though? I've come to realize that trust is more than being open with people. It's opening your heart and handing a small piece of it to another person, hoping that they will tuck it away somewhere safe and handle it with care. This is why trust is so easily broken and hard to come by once you've lost it once. After experiencing a piece of your heart being mishandled by someone, it's natural not to give it out so carelessly the next time. But no one can live like that. God wants us to love everyone, even when we don't know if we can trust them. We have to give away pieces of our hearts to people, because keeping it to ourselves would be a waste of the heart God gave us. You have to take risks sometimes in order to get a wonderful result. It hurts to have your heart broken, but it also hurts to keep it to yourself. It is way worth the risk to let someone in, risking the pain, when you gain a wonderful friendship. I'm struggling with trust a great deal right now. I'm trying to trust the people that I love and need most right now, but it's hard. Before I can do that, I need to trust that God will handle my heart with care. Afterall, he doesn't just have a piece of it. He has it in it's entirety.