I've just decided that it doesn't get any better than this. I wish I could grab onto this feeling and keep it close to my heart for the rest of my life, never letting it fade. It's very rare that I feel this kind of peace, especially considering the way my life has played out over the last several years. It's funny how I went through life thinking everything was fine, thinking I was happy, only to realize that I was far from ok. I can't even remember a time when I was truly happy after the age of 10. It's all sort of a blur, but year after year I spent wishing I were someone else and wishing I could be good enough for everyone around me. I jumped from person to person thinking that each one of them would be the one who saved me. What I didn't realize is that people can't save me. I can't even save myself on my own. The one I should have been running to all along was Jesus. When I came to Clemson last August, I had no idea that my life was about to take a huge turn. Never realizing that I was lost in the first place, I ended up finding myself for the first time. Kayla invited me to try out this church in Anderson. Normally I would have put up a huge fight, but a voice in the back of my head was telling me to give it a try. I was overwhelmed when I stepped into the huge building, and I walked out an hour and a half later as a brand new individual. I met Jesus that day at Newspring during my very first visit. Don't get me wrong, though. Just because I allowed Jesus into my heart doesn't mean that I was automatically whole and healed. I had the tools and didn't know how to use them yet. I started drinking for the first time in my entire life, and once I started it was so hard to stop. When I drank, all my problems seemed to disappear. Everyone was my friend, and I could do anything without fear. You have to undertand something about me. Fear has run my life for so long, and to discover something that could eliminate that fear was beyond anything I'd ever imagined possible. So I continued to drink even though something bad always seemed to happen. When I went back to Clemson after Christmas break, I was possibly more lost than ever (even with Jesus by my side). What I understand now is that Jesus was with me, and God was providing everything I needed to get better, but I wasn't listening to him or seeing what was right in front of me. I knew that something was still missing and that I wasn't doing anything to progress in my newfound relationship with Jesus, but I didn't know what to do. There was so much emotional and mental damage holding me back that it clouded my mind and kept me from excelling as a Christian. I went home for the summer, did some more drinking, and came back for the fall semester in even worse shape. I knew in my mind that something was terribly wrong, but I did my best to hide it from everyone around me, including myself. It finally had to come out, and I'm glad it did. You see, God gives us people that we call friends, but I like to call them angels. While they didn't understand what I was going through, they showed me patience, love, and support, letting me know that I could get through it. They talked me into therapy, which was the beginning of my healing process. It made me realize that everything was not ok. I had been repressing so many hard feelings from my past that it was affecting my outlook on the present and the future. Then Kayla bought me a book called "The Purpose-driven life". I figured I'd try it out, because I was up for anything that might help, and I knew strengthening my relationship with God was the only way I could truly heal my life. I can honestly say that it is the best gift anyone has ever given me. The book itself didn't save me, because God is the one who saves, but the book opened my eyes and gave me the tools I needed to become closer to God. It was a 40-day process, and I didn't feel at peace right away. I finished the book last night, though, and reading that book was the best thing I've ever done for myself. I feel like a brand new person, and I feel like I can do anything. There is no greater peace that fully trusting in God. He eliminates fear, worry, doubt, and replaces them with love, hope. and security. That doesn't mean that my troubles are over, because I will see many more in the future. It just means that God will give me the strength and the means to get through anything.